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BREAKING: Scott Baio’s Plane Crash Not An Accident–Men Speaking ‘With Accents’ Heard On Flight Recorder

The NHST has released a preliminary report that says that the single-engine Cessna that Scott Baio was on when it crashed, killing everyone on board, was possibly hijacked for its high-value cargo. Frederick Northboom of the Safety Inspector’s Office says that new ISIS training guides teach terrorists how to pick up faces lots of people will recognize without having to pay a lot to get near them. In this case, the Cessna booked out at about $500 each, far less than a first-class flight on Southwest.

The voices with accents were recorded by the tower and presumably on the flight recorder or black box. The FLTC hasn’t released authority to CFSME for the public to hear the recordings through FOIA yet, but as soon as we have them we’ll update this story. No translations or other information is available at all, meaning it is probably a band of sneaky terrorists.

Our thoughts and prayers go out to Chachi’s whole family. We’re thinking of you guys today, Fonzie, Richie, Potsy, Malph and yes, you too Laverne and Shirley. You know he’s living it large upstairs with Joannie while his wife suffers from his loss on a locked psych ward. God always has a plan, Renesme.

Regardless, If this is the terrorists’ new way to strike fear into Americans then slightly-below-B-List actors and actresses need to hunker down and possibly even bunker up.

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