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ALERT: Ivanka Trump And Husband Jarred Are Missing!?

The beautiful Ivanka Trump, one of the most important figures in our government, and her husband Jared, who may single-handedly bring peace to the Middle East, have been reported missing by the Rangers at Big Bear. The couple was taking a long weekend together before Jared jets back of to mediate the ongoing peace talks between Israel and the Palestinians.

Their GPS transponder and Secret Service trackers both went down withing minutes of each other, meaning a lot of batteries died at once coincidentally or something is wrong. There is no cell service in the park. The couple has a satellite phone for emergencies but it appears to be turned off, which is proper protocol.

Hopefully, they’ll come traipsing out of the woods none the wiser with no idea they were lost at all.

The transponder malfunctions, however, are troubling to the Secret Service, who were ordered not to follow closer than 5 miles to the couple and now fear they’ve been taken with a massive head start. Special agent C. Kelpum Oroni told OLOTF Correspondent Anatajishin Nofakku:

At this point we’re concerned that two high-level diplomats, both with code-word clewarance, suddenly went missing somewhere within a five mile radius and we still don’t have them. There was already a net on them. Where the hell did they go?

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Oroni doesn’t seem confident that the couple will be found intact; if at all. Only time will tell. Please send thoughts and prayers to the Trump family on this difficult day.